Summer wobbly bits

For once, I am not referring to my own fears about the summer and how I feel about my own body (!) but more how imposter syndrome has consumed me over the last few weeks and made me run a mile from the blog.

I have really questioned myself over whether publicly sharing is something I can actually do....Those who know me well know just how private I am and how much I like it that way, so for me, this really does go against my core feeling and gut instinct. It feels like a real battle between heart and head and there are often days where one pull is much greater than the other.

I really do believe in trusting your gut and listening into your own intuition. This is something I have been taught to do even more over the last few years and have very much tried to practice on my journey with my dear friend and teacher Sjoukje. I am extremely fortunate to have an incredible support system around my family and I; including, of course, my tribe of sisters and our Mum, but also Sjoukje and my counsellor, coach and therapist, Kate, who have both taught me and continue to teach me and who have really become a huge part of our lives since Bertie died last year. I hope to share more on my work with them on this blog in the future.

The funny thing is, when I do listen in and really connect to my core, I know sharing and writing in this way really is what I need to do. What I have put down to my instinct in the moments of questioning is fear; deep, dark fear. Fear of all sorts of things but especially judgement. I am also a horrible perfectionist who has a real fear of getting things wrong, being mocked, laughed at and basically screwing up and these things have held me back so often during my life as an adult. "Feel the fear and do it anyway" - isn't that the mantra!

I believe that I have something to offer....I have many experiences, good, bad and ugly, which swirl around in my head, often at night, keeping me awake, and I really do need to get them out of my head. In the moments of self-doubt, I keep coming back to why. Why am I doing this? Why is my heart leading me to this? What difference can I make? There are so many people doing this kind of this, what can you offer? And my favourite inner dialogue, "You are going to f*ck up and embarrass yourself, so I wouldn't do it if I were you!". Thats a good one and one I often hear!

Summer has been busy and full of lots of wobbles - and yes, I absolutely do mean the physical and mental ones, but in the tiny moments of quiet and calm when I have been able to connect to my heart, I do still believe that I can offer something positive and use my voice and my brain and my heart for something good. I truly believe in contribution and that we all have something positive to contribute to this world, so despite the wobbles, I am going to fight off that fear alongside my tribe of support and do it anyway.

I hope you have all had a fantastic Summer and that you have been able to find moments of calm to re-balance, to listen in and to fight off the fears that can hold us all back.

xx