For Bertie 22/06/2021

There was only one person who was going to help me write my first post; Bertie. Today, we celebrate him, one whole year after he arrived. I write this as a letter to him.

My darling boy, Today marks your birthday; the day you arrived and I held you in my arms and also the day that you left for greater things. You were here only such a short time but you have had the greatest impact on our lives. How can someone so tiny do such huge things in such a short space of time? The rippling effects that will last a lifetime. I will never forget the immense pain and suffering that came with that day. The fear of not having you in my arms anymore. Not feeling you kicking in my tummy, not being able to look after you and keep you safe. But you and I are intertwined forever. We are connected forever. And in that connection, you continue to show me the way; guiding me with your love and constantly reminding me that even in the darkest of times, there is light. From pain and suffering there is hope. Always hope. Even when you don't think there is, you cant see it or feel it, there is always hope.

So, today, I am open to feeling it all. The sadness, the pain and the aching but also the immense happiness that you were here and that you are forever part of our lives.

Today we planted your garden, something I have wanted to do for some time. A garden to honour your life that we can tend to and look after which will flourish with colour and flowers and beautiful scents and will be another constant reminder of you. We picked your flowers; hydrangeas, delphiniums, white roses, eucalyptus and I cannot wait to watch it grow. We also added touchstones from Colonsay, our special place and another connection to you and us and Big Grandad to help keep us altogether.

This evening, I will light my very special candle with the intention of taking a moment to pause and to listen and to feel into your energy. I know in these moments, I find great peace and gratitude which will keep me calm on a day where I find myself panicking, breathing shortly and full of angst. This little ritual has become part of my routine over the last year and has grounded me in moments of utter hysteria. Together with Daddy, Oscar and Elsie, we will celebrate you. We love and miss you every second of every day, but I know you are here, watching over us, close by always and forever in all of our hearts.

I love you, I love you, I love you, forever, forever, forever. Mummy xxxxx